I've been fat for most of my life. I had thyroid cancer--I REALLY DID--(this is the big lie fat people tell--make them prove it by showing you their scar) and grew to a very large size quickly before the doctors found it. When I was in the hospital, I looked at my chart. It said "morbidly obese female." Isn't that nice? Not just fat, but morbid. And female. At least I wasn't so fat they couldn't figure that part out.
Since then (22 years ago), I have tried diet after diet in my attempt to lose weight. But it was.....so......slow. Several years ago a doctor told me that if I stayed under a thousand calories a day, I would lose weight. So-----I jumped right on that---and six weeks ago, began to implement her suggestion. I've lost 34 pounds so far. "Hooray!" people say...and I was happy too, at first.
The weight loss was most evident at first in my FEET--not the fattest part of me by a long shot. I mean come on--I have several chins to spare and my upper arms are, um, healthy sized. The morbidly obese gods have a sick sense of humor. Then my watch was loose--goody! Sausage fingers and thin wrists--I should be a hand model. The most distressing part was yet to come.
I had gained a bit of weight during an extended trip to Europe--land of beer that's cheaper than Diet Coke. Let's call this my new fat. I have no real relationship with this new fat--they are illegal immigrants who have taken up squatters rights on my abdomen. I know nothing about them, and apparently they are totally unaware of my doctor's diet recommendation because they are STAYING.
Now I do have a relationship with the old fat--let's call them established residents. They are consistent, they do not move around, and I buy clothes with them in mind. It's been a pretty good relationship--they pay their rent on time, no loud parties--you understand. But they are leaving--abandoning me. Do they feel pushed out by the illegal immigrants which invaded my abdomen? They were here first.
These were my concerns at the beginning of losing weight. But they seem paltry in comparison to my thoughts, fears--no, obsession about what will happen when I get thin. And I say when, because this diet really is working and I'm not hungry. So thinness is a given. It's an eventuality I have to face--and it's daunting.
So, I'm starting this blog to journal, what I hope is, a triumphant victory over Fearing Thindom. My next post will feature my number one fear--and it's a biggie...
Testing, testing, testing
ReplyDeleteThis is great! I think the biggest hurdle to overcome is the mental one. I know for me, my weight has been a protective mechanism for so long. A statement of "if you can look past this and still like/love me, then you must really like/love me and stick with me" Messed up, I know. I have been working with the book "I Can Make You Thin" by Paul McKenna and I LOVE it! It helps you to slow down and listen to your body and helps me with the emotional eating aspect.
ReplyDeleteYou are very brave to put yourself out there like this, BRAVO!
Congratulations on getting what is seems you've desired for so long. I hear your fear and can relate. The last time I was thin, I was...umm...well...not very chaste. Even though I am much older, hopefully wiser, committed to a set of firm values and very happily married, I still fear I'll instantly transform into a whore. A stupid fear but real one, none the less. Keep blogging this thing out.
ReplyDeleteWay to go on your weightloss and blogging. Seems you're facing confronting many fears at once. Impressive! When do we get to start laughing at others?
ReplyDeleteExcellent job on the blog. You have such a great sense of humor and insight into yourself and others. I'm proud of you for sharing those gifts with others.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the greatest fears for me and weight loss is thinking, "If you only love me thin, you don't really love me?"---and do I honestly want to know that?
ReplyDeleteYou've taken the gut-wrenching step of making up your mind that you will go through with this. Yay! That's where I get hung up. That's a hurdle that is gigantic. I am on your cheer squad--Go, Girl!
What I have learned in this lifelong journey is that, even when you do arrive at thin, if you don't change the image you have of yourself in your head, you will never really be thin. Affirmations, as silly and insiginificant as they may seem, are quite effective in convincing the mind of things that are true (or not). Tell yourself you are a beautiful, worthwhile person everyday. Tell yourself you are the weight you want to be and find a picture of someone with the same type of body as you, at around the size you think you will b at your ideal weight. Be REALISTIC. No one really looks like a supermodel. Look at the picture everyday, at least twice a day, and say something like, "I weigh 140 pounds. This is the right weight for me." Convince your brain that it is true, and it will become true. Affirmations must continue for the rest of your life. Things come up, life happens, and all of the sudden we are the fat, undesirable, frustrated person that we were before. You know the drill. I applaud you for putting yourself out there like this...many of us have struggled and continue to struggle with this difficult task of thinking like a thin person.
ReplyDeleteJust a quick note of thanks to my very first commenters :-) and a clarification.
ReplyDeleteThe kind person who commented as "me" is not me. You are more than welcome to be me on here, I just wanted to clarify that me is not me. Clear, right?