Biggest Fear: Exposed

Between homework, dinner prep and laundry, I discovered a new person to "like" on Facebook.  His name is Taylor Mali--he is teacher/poet/comedian/essayist--and he's hilarious.  I've watched many of his youtube videos, not to waste time, mind you, but because he helps me with my homework.  You see, his cadence is so catching, so appealing, so evangelistic, in fact, that now everything I read has his voice in it.  So while Howard Gardner's "5 Minds" is engaging on its own, read by the voice of Taylor Mali in my head--it is exciting, exuberant, enlightening.

I had to try this on other books, to see if it transferred--Atwell, Chesterton, Real Simple magazine, and yes Dr. Seuss--all take on a higher meaning, greater significance, exhilarating elevation of the psyche where everything and nothing are assigned greater degrees of revelatory joy.  It's a key, this cadence.  And I'm afraid I'm going to need keys for the foregone eventuality of thinness in the days to come.

What is the biggest fear I have of thindom?  Well, there is the whole kidnapping thing, WHICH, by the way, I made up 20 years ago--long before the advent of the bumper sticker.  But that's not it.  And there is the fear that I won't have an excuse for failure--that's very deep and real for some people--but it's not mine.  Fear of becoming so attractive to men that I will act like a hootchie mama?  Huh-uh.  I attract men now--okay, so maybe they're weird men with fat fetishes, but it's no less real.  And I'm still faithful.  No, my biggest fear, that which has kept me from thindom, lo these many, many years, is just this:  world domination.

That seemed a little anti-climactic, so I'll reword it:  WORLD DOMINATION.  There it is.  It's out there for all the world to see. 

I don't really suffer from low self esteem, food issues or emotional eating issues most of the time.  In fact, I admit to having a heightened sense of self.  I see myself as tall, thin, smart, confident, witty, powerful, engaging and persuasive.  Being fat is really the only thing that keeps me humble.  And where will I be when that humility is gone?  I'll tell you where--I will be trying to take over the world.  Even if I have to dye my hair blonde to do it.

So there you have it--my biggest fear right off the bat.  Kind of like confession--confess the biggest sins first and the rest is easy.  We will go on to lesser fears, and for my thin readers--God bless your little anorexic hearts--I will have some advice to share if you happen to be friends with a fat person.  And fat people, don't worry, we will make fun of that, too.

Housekeeping

No, this is not about cleaning the house, which, by the way, I hate, loath and despise.  Such a waste of time.

This housekeeping note is for my blog.  I have added the "followers" feature so you can sign up and be alerted when I have posted something new and earth-shatteringly important for your life. 

Initially, I deleted that feature because I hated looking at the profiles of empty heads.  It was ugly.  And I don't like ugly--which is why we will delve more deeply into things fat people should NOT do.  And why all my tv people have to be pretty.  But that's for later...

For now, sign up to be my follower---it's part of my plot to take over the world, which will segue nicely into my next official post :-)

The Journey Begins

I've been fat for most of my life.  I had thyroid cancer--I REALLY DID--(this is the big lie fat people tell--make them prove it by showing you their scar) and grew to a very large size quickly before the doctors found it.  When I was in the hospital, I looked at my chart.  It said "morbidly obese female."  Isn't that nice?  Not just fat, but morbid.  And female.  At least I wasn't so fat they couldn't figure that part out.

Since then (22 years ago), I have tried diet after diet in my attempt to lose weight.  But it was.....so......slow.  Several years ago a doctor told me that if I stayed under a thousand calories a day, I would lose weight.  So-----I jumped right on that---and six weeks ago, began to implement her suggestion.  I've lost 34 pounds so far.  "Hooray!" people say...and I was happy too, at first.

The weight loss was most evident at first in my FEET--not the fattest part of me by a long shot.  I mean come on--I have several chins to spare and my upper arms are, um, healthy sized. The morbidly obese gods have a sick sense of humor.  Then my watch was loose--goody!  Sausage fingers and thin wrists--I should be a hand model.  The most distressing part was yet to come.

I had gained a bit of weight during an extended trip to Europe--land of beer that's cheaper than Diet Coke.  Let's call this my new fat.  I have no real relationship with this new fat--they are illegal immigrants who have taken up squatters rights on my abdomen.  I know nothing about them, and apparently they are totally unaware of my doctor's diet recommendation because they are STAYING.

Now I do have a relationship with the old fat--let's call them established residents.  They are consistent, they do not move around, and I buy clothes with them in mind.  It's been a pretty good relationship--they pay their rent on time, no loud parties--you understand.  But they are leaving--abandoning me.  Do they feel pushed out by the illegal immigrants which invaded my abdomen?  They were here first.

These were my concerns at the beginning of losing weight.  But they seem paltry in comparison to my thoughts, fears--no, obsession about what will happen when I get thin.  And I say when, because this diet really is working and I'm not hungry.  So thinness is a given.  It's an eventuality I have to face--and it's daunting.

So, I'm starting this blog to journal, what I hope is, a triumphant victory over Fearing Thindom.  My next post will feature my number one fear--and it's a biggie...